How to Tell a New Partner That Sex Hurts

“It was our second date and we were both pretty into each other… He said he was going to get a condom, and I said, hold on, you might not need to do that — I have this thing.” - Melissa, 30, from LA. 

Maybe you've been in this situation: You met someone new — a casual hook-up or someone you like in a bigger way — and it’s very clear that you both want to get physical. But there’s a catch: penetration can be painful for you. You may have been diagnosed with a condition like vaginismus (or vulvodynia or dyspareunia or vulvovaginal pain disorder… there are so many names for it). How do you interrupt the flirting and banter to inform them that putting anything in your vagina is off the table?

This is the kind of question that merits an in-depth conversion. So we brought together two amazing pelvic floor physical therapists who specialize in treating pain with sex and asked them to talk it through and share their best advice. Give it a listen here:

This one-off podcast episode from Origin features Emma Kaeser, PT, DPT, and Alex Bertucci, PT, DPT. Both are expert pelvic floor physical therapists who treat pain with sex, and Alex is also an ASSECT-certified sex therapist. Together, they tease out what’s so tricky about a first conversation about painful sex and provide practical tips on how to make it as easy as possible.

Why This Conversation Matters

The 2024 Origin Pelvic Health Study found that more than 1 in 5 women ages 18 to 59 experienced pain with sex in the past year. Additional research has found that when women do feel pain with sex, only 50% talk to their partner about it. As for the number of women who talk to a new partner about painful sex before hooking up? There’s no data, but we’re guessing that stat would be much smaller.

Bringing it up sooner is worth doing because advocating for yourself ahead of time helps pave the way for far less confusion and far more pleasure.

In this casual yet informative chat, Emma and Alex share real-world examples from their combined decades of clinical experience, offering practical scripts and strategies that have worked for their patients. 

They break down exactly how to:

• Choose the best time and place to bring it up (not in the heat of the moment)
• Decide what you do and don't want to share (depending on the relationship)
• Use specific and helpful language (borrow strategies from the kink community)
• Suggest other types of non-penetrative fun (we have some ideas for you)

Get Help for Painful Sex‍

At Origin, we've helped thousands of patients overcome painful sex through our evidence-based, mind-body approach. Whether you're dealing with vaginismus, endometriosis-related pain, postpartum challenges, or other forms of dyspareunia, our team of specialized physical therapists can help you find relief. When you're ready to explore treatment options, book a visit or schedule a free intro call with one of our experts.

We'll help you understand your symptoms and create a personalized treatment plan to get you back to actually enjoying vaginal penetration. In the meantime, press play above to get some great ideas from experts you can trust.